my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I need to align my fucking chakras
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
