Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
