my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
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The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
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I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
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