he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
You took a bar mat shot.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
