i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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