i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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