youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
