it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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