dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Randomize
