Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
