he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.