Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I think this conversation is over.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.