after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
