She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
What changed your mind?
Being sober
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize