i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
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