She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
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They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
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wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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