I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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