I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
