just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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