Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Randomize
