just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
