I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
that may or may not have been my penis.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
