Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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