We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Randomize
