I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
