I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
