when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
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