If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER