you turned your livingroom into a bong?
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
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As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
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Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.