An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything