help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
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