That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
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