I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
