i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
