the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
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afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
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The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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