I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
You made out with two different species that night
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Randomize
