I cockslap morals
i just had sex bonerless
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
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