so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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