I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
