yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
