There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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