My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
