I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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