i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Randomize
