I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
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It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
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That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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