Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
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Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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