I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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