What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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