i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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