i just wanna soil my oats bro
you guys were way drunker than both of me
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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