dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
