The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
