Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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