Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
