Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Randomize