He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
