I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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