it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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