I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Randomize
